We are six months in from that moment in March when the world came to its knees. Like an inkblot the coronavirus spread across the globe, leaving a trail of devastation and grief in its wake.

There are still times, even now, when I wake in the morning in utter disbelief at the magnitude of the change and destruction, wondering when we might be able to breathe again freely together; when we might shake hands, share hugs and take in each other’s presence without undercurrents of doubt and unease. (And I’m not even talking about economic recovery or a semblance of normality for those who have tragically lost people they love or, for those who stagger on with long-term aftereffects of the disease itself.)

The truth is that we don’t know. It might be quite a while yet.

So, what can you do to support yourself, bolster your resilience and make sure you don’t become a reduced version of yourself? It’s hard, isn’t it? But here is what I learned and how I will continue to support myself in the months to come.

Firstly, you might find it helpful to cast your glance back along the trajectory of the months past. Do you remember those slightly gung-ho early days of putting your best foot forward? Linking up for zoom dinner-do’s and online dance classes? For me that behaviour served to deal with the anxiety that hit me early on, when the world around me fell apart and we were ordered into lockdown.

All well and good that ‘being positive’ stuff, but as time wore on, I couldn’t kid myself any longer. I was grieving. Grieving over so much loss: the loss of opportunity to fulfil my most elemental human needs for movement, connection and shared joy; grieving over our broken world.

When Brené Brown spoke to Dr Marc Brackett about holding contradictory emotions like anxiety and hope, he suggested that at this very difficult time the hope might be more of a regulation strategy, than a real sentiment or conviction.

What I have embarked upon for myself and encourage you to try out for yourself, might also be like a regulation strategy at the outset of our journey. I am convinced however, that with enough attention for our intention – for whichever regulation strategy we choose – we will eventually be able to straddle the truth of both realities at once.

I would love for you to try and see what happens, but before we get there, here are a few more thoughts I’d like to share with you.

Once my grief subsided a bit, I felt exhausted. No amount of staycation has altered that. I am still tired and far from feeling ‘fresh’ in the way I usually do with September on the horizon. I realise though, that this too will pass. It really will. And of course I’m tired. Everything on this planet is interconnected. How could we not be picking up on all the anguish and uncertainty around us, whether we know it or not. So, aside from the interconnectedness and interdependence of all things, there is nothing more certain than the constancy of change. That too, is a universal truth. Things change all the time, so part of the answer must be to make our peace with the uncertainty of this drama.

In her magnificent little book ‘When Things fall Apart: Heart Advice in Difficult Times’, Pema Chödron puts it like this:

“To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest. To live fully is to be always in no-man's-land, to experience each moment as completely new and fresh. To live is to be willing to die over and over again.”

Well, it’s work in progress as far as I’m concerned.

Finding Refuge – over and over again

The beautiful practice of finding an emotional sanctuary has been around in one form or another forever. It was recently brought back to my attention by Dr Rick Hanson and I am benefitting from it hugely. ‘Finding Refuge’ is like finding a mental and emotional watering hole or pit stop. Finding a place of refreshment and rest in your mind and letting the experience percolate right down into every cell of your body. (It helps that most of my readers have very vivid imaginations.)

With practice, we can do this ‘on the hoof’ - as it were. When overcome by sadness or anxiety we can literally create some more inner space and let in something good too. By staying focussed on the good, we can either redirect our focus completely or, at the very least, begin to change our relationship with the less comfortable experience.

Here’s how I practice this:

Think of people whose company you like. They need not be good friends, but it is important that you deeply value some of their qualities. Jot down some traits that come to mind: like patience, good heartedness, equanimity, kindness, joyfulness, gratitude or anything else you’d like to cultivate in yourself.

Mark out 5 – 10 minutes on a regular basis and pick any quality that would really counterbalance any distressing feelings that get you down at the moment. Choose something you’d like to focus on every day for a week.
When you begin the meditation, acknowledge any uncomfortable feelings that might be present. Let them be there without giving them too much attention.
Focus on the person of choice and then the particular quality. Bring it to mind and the feelings this memory evokes in you. Does this process bring up sensations you’d like to cherish and hold onto? Stick with it for a few minutes, allowing the goodness to wash over you like refreshing wave after wave. Really feel that desired state in your body.
Be curious about the changes to your inner realm. Does it expand, soften, change your perspective on the pain?
Before you finish, set an intention for yourself, to take a mini pit stop several times a day - however busy you might be – to top up on the quality that restores you and you would like to develop in yourself. This need only take one minute at a time. I do this every time I wash or sanitise my hands. These days, that gives me plenty of opportunity to practice.

Another way of choosing qualities you’d like to have more readily to hand, is to think of traits of your own which you would like to cultivate. Strengths or resources you know you have and which will serve you well in dealing with uncertainty and change.

You could also bring to mind – over and over – a particularly nourishing landscape. Go there for this practice and keep focussing on the changing physical quality of the experience. In other words: watch and stay with the pleasant feelings that arise in your body. Remember with repetition, you can change how your brain circuits are wired (neuroplasticity). This is exactly what you’re practicing – for the good.

Go well. Look after yourself and keep Maya Angelou’s words for difficult times close to heart: “I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it.”